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The locals' guide to...London

Whether you're a refined culture vulture or a party animal who's never going to disturb the sheets of your London hotel room, this is a city that delivers... Check out our selection of top things to do in London

How do I get away from large tour groups wearing matching caps?

Like a drop of tonic in a vat of London Gin you don't tend to notice tourists that much in the British capital - there are just that many other people. You are, though, more likely to bump into groups of people wearing waterproof jackets and rucksacks at the city's big museums. To avoid them visit on the one night a week they open late and take in the culture in relative peace. In the day visit some of the smaller museums and galleries. Dr Johnson's house will appeal to history buffs. Arty types should check out the Design Museum. If you plan to use the tube to get around, buying an Oyster Card is cheaper than paying for tickets with cash. You can pick one up at any station.

Where do the locals party?

Everywhere and anywhere. Or rather, everywhere and anywhere that serves alcohol - the oil that keeps the machinery of London running smoothly. The city's appetite for new and different party experience means there's something for every taste. Heading up the super-clubs, The End and Fabric pull in the hottest DJs from around the world. Retro burlesque nights have sprung up around the city, so take your feather boa to Volupté or The Bethnal Green Working Men's Club. Cool cats get mellow at the tiny but legendary Jazz After Dark where Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse have been known to do impromptu gigs.

Restaurants without an 'all-you-can-eat tourist buffet'?

Soho is just a few minutes' walk from the tourist-trap areas of the West End and Covent Garden and offers a truly global dining experience around the clock. Budgeteers should check out wallet-friendly cafés like Hummus Bros, Piada, and Just Falafs. If you want to splash some cash try Arbutus or the aubergine chips at Y Ming.

The locals' absolutely secret number one tip : When you're stuck in human traffic, go one street back. The roads parallel to Oxford Street and Regent Street are home to cute cafés, chic boutiques and eclectic shops all with 90 per cent less people.

A quick guide to where the locals hang out

The snack : There's a queue outside Brick Lane Beigel Bakery 24 hours a day. For hearty sustenance at a mere £2.50, it's worth the wait.

The shops : Forget Oxford Street, the antique shops and boutiques on Portobello Road are a hot spot for vintage finds, kitsch collectables and affordable but totally original fashion.

The place for people watching: Bar Italia. Open 'til the wee small hours, this café in the heart of Soho is the perfect place to take in the 'colourful' locals and do some subtle celeb spotting.

The cocktail : Re-bourne at 50s-themed basement bar, Bourne and Hollingsworth blends naughty gin with nice elderflower cordial for a refreshing tipple that slips down very, very easily.

The hangover breakfast: Party girls Kate Moss and Sienna Miller have been spotted at Raoul's in Maida Vale. Head here for a great breakfast menu and guilt-quenching fruit smoothie.

The trip: Experience the Great British seaside. Brighton is under an hour away by train from Victoria Station.

The museum: The Sir John Soane's Museum. When he wasn't designing the Bank of England, architect Sir John collected antiquities. His house is now a museum with a Greek and Roman collection to rival the British Museum.

The guilty pleasure: Indulge your inner rock star with a private booth in the basement karaoke joint, Lucky Voice in Soho - the celebs do.

Can I drink the water?

The eight essential questions you'll need answering

Which local animal is likely to hospitalise me?

Tread carefully under bridges where pigeons roost, their prolific droppings are slippery when wet.

Which native liquor will make me think I am attractive?

Get the ales in, British beer is having a renaissance. Don't be put off by the cartoonish names - Dog's Bollocks and Skullsplitter will have you staggering back to your London hotel in zig-zags.

How can I avoid a beating by the local hard nuts?

If a seven-foot tall bloke with a tattooed face and bleeding knuckles asks, "What are you looking at?" just keep walking. It's a rhetorical question.

Will I get lost?

Yes, but that's the fun part. All the best stuff in London is tucked down the side-streets. You'll find cute bars, great shops and buildings seeped in history.

Will I find myself?

You're unlikely to have a blissed-out moment of enlightenment here. Every one of London's seven million inhabitants is in a rush and thinks you're in their way.

Should I take an umbrella?

Are you kidding? This is London. Of course you'll need an umbrella. You'll also need a wind-cheater, snow shoes, fog-goggles and sun cream.

What should I order in a restaurant to impress the locals?

Think of something that went out with the war and chances are it's now on offer at a posh London restaurant. Trotters, tripe and testicles are making a comeback at some of the city's fanciest eateries.

Can I drink the water?

As long as it's triple filtered through the eyelashes of Nepalese virgins dahhhhling. Designer water is all the rage in swanky London bars and can set you back as much as £10. A glass of tap water comes served with a sneer.